Big-Rock-Candy-Mountain Dreams

There's a lake of stew
And of whiskey too
You can paddle all around it
In a big canoe
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

--Harry McClintock

This is what I need: shelter; food; clean water; heat; enough clothing to conceal my hoo-hah; love.This is what I want: an old, rambling, three-bedroom house in our village; pizza and Haagen Dazs chocolate peanut butter ice cream; water that does not turn my whites orange; a wood-burning stove; five pairs of Hanes for Her hipster underpants.

The love thing, thankfully, I've got.

Of course there's more. I want to watch a brand new episode ofLaw & Order every night. I want the Democratic Party to get its act together. I want to sell the novel I wrote three years ago.

But those are pipe dreams (except, perhaps, the one about Law & Order), and are not to be confused with Big-Rock-Candy-Mountain Dreams. Big-Rock-Candy-Mountain Dreams are necessities masking as luxuries. Big-Rock-Candy-Mountain Dreams are sustainable (except, perhaps, the cigarette trees and whisky lake). Big-Rock-Candy-Mountain Dreams won't put you in hock up to your eyeballs, force you to seek therapy, or make you the envy of others. Big-Rock-Candy-Mountain Dreams will perplex pinky-ring-flashing multi-level marketers.

Let me give you an example: One night, about ten years ago, our neighbor and his wife asked if they could come over for a visit. We were still new to the city, and the neighborhood, and we're embarrassed that we had not invited them before they invited themselves. We put out snacks and served drinks and made small talk. Then, out of nowhere, our neighbor asked, "If you could drive any car at all, what would it be?"

That was easy. My 1988 Ford Festiva. It was in mint condition. Parts were cheap. The gas mileage rivaled today's best performing hybrids. If it hadn't been totaled in an accident, I'd still be driving it.

I thought I heard a buzzer go off in our neighbor's head—wrong answer. "No, really," he said. "If money wasn't an issue, what would you drive?"

"My Festiva," I said.

"No," our neighbor said again, frustrated. We went round and round. I explained why I was happy with my Festiva, and our neighbor extolled the virtues of pricier vehicles. Finally, he moved on. "Wouldn't you like to own a boat?" he said.

During all this my husband sat there with a bemused smile pasted to his face. Later, he told me that he smelled AMWAY before our neighbors had their coats off.Thanks, sweetie!

Besides being poor, I'm too lazy for the trappings of a bling-filled lifestyle. It seems like an awful lot of work to maintain it all. Give me soft-boiled egg-laying hens and trees full of fruit.

I'm a-goin' to stay where you sleep all day
Where they hung the jerk that invented work
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

P.S. The site where I found the lyrics to Big Rock Candy Mountain posts the following disclaimer:

"Remember, although this is a fun song to learn and sing, having such easy access to cigarettes and alcohol would not actually be a 'good' thing. Smoking and alcohol addictions are harmful to your health."